Sunday, July 20, 2014

Sick of it all

I am sick of almost everything that life entails. I was seriously hoping this new relationship and new living situation would have made it better as it is exactly what I wanted, but no change. i'm just repeating the past and all my failures.

I hate my job during the summer. I hate going to work for just a few lousy hours on boring shifts. Once in a while it's nice cause some of the passengers really do like when I drive, but overall it sucks. I am far too anxious on other shifts about creepy dangerous people. I'm sick of seeing the scum that roam the streets, trying to get a free ride so they have more money for drugs. It's not fun.

I spend nearly every weekday sitting on the couch in front of the TV, watching DVRed shows or reruns of favorites. Of course, that may change soon as we are seriously thinking of cutting the cable, but that's another post for another day, but then I'll have more to watch. When he gets home from work I am still stuck just sitting there. He wants to actually live life and I just sit and rot. I've basically given up on life and being happy. It's just not in the cards for me I guess.

I am dreading going back to work in the fall. I don't want to spend the fuel to go back and forth and back and forth for split shifts. At the end of the year, I wasn't even enjoying that job, which makes the impending fall even less desirable. But what else can I do? What other job is going to give me the benefits, which once i get, I probably can't afford that big a hit on my paycheck, but I have to wait and see. I have no attachment to my coworkers. I am invisible to them anyways. Most of all, I don't want to give up being a lump on the couch.

I've felt like crap for weeks and weeks now. Probably into months. Just pure exhaustion despite how much or how little I sleep. I get plenty of dizzy spells and spells where I feel just plain weak, like I can't move. Don't even mention the sudden teenage onslaught of bad zits....

Remember how excited I was about the thought of getting my own motorcycle next year? Well, after how I've felt since then, it would be a giant waste of money. I'm lucky to have 1 day a week where I feel like I could safely ride. Why go to all that expense for a 1 full season, 2 partial seasons 1 day a week toy? Pretty pathetic. I'm 29 years old.

I do love my bf very much, but all I feel like I do is make him miserable (which he has never ever said! He's nothing but sweet and nice and kind to me) but inside I know he wants to live life, and at this point I am one step above wanting to die.

It sucks as I have everything I ever wanted. I have a perfect guy, a perfect house, 2 purrfect cats, the job I have wanted coming up, but yet I just can't be happy.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to end my life, cause I'd just fail at that too)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Ch Ch Changes

Things have been going very well in the new home. We are starting to make it our own. It's amazing what a coat of paint can do to make a room more homey. What's even cooler is we both picked out the same color without talking about it first, which made it nice and easy!

I have been in a mood to make changes to better my life. I have sold both my little Geo Metro Convertible and my Vespa Scooter. Now I just have my Fiat 500, which will likely be traded in for the automatic transmission version if my local dealer gets one in with the right specs (color!). I want to simplify things.

Since making this move, I have really cut down on a lot of the "stuff" that I had. My craft room really got pared down to mostly essentials, but could do with being pared down even more. That is one thing I am liking about the mobile home life, it's a smaller space, so it kind of forces you to make smarter decisions about what you bring into it. It definitely feels better to not feel like you are drowning in stuff!

I have even been reconsidering my career as a bus driver. I am completely fed up with the transit city buses, there are just too many crazies out there that the job just isn't fun, not to mention the fact the company I work for, I just don't fit in with. Not that fitting in is all that important, I want to go to work, not make friends, but still, I've just always felt like an outsider. However two good things did come out of my job there, one is my wonderful boyfriend, and the other was being able to get my air brake endorsement so I could be hired there.

As far as school buses, I finally am getting the full time job at the one district I want to work for, but I am not sure if I still want to do it. I would like to not have to worry every summer about not having any money and should I look for a part time summer job....However, the school bus driver life fits me fairly well, it is Monday through Friday, no late nights, I have time off mid day to get things done at home most of the time. I do enjoy driving school buses most of the time, which is helpful. I think I got worn out at the end of this school year, so I am not going to make any decisions until later. I'm kinda hoping to find something different for the summer to try out and see if it is something I like.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Invisible and broken

Somedays I feel invisible. It's like I don't even exist. I don't fit in anywhere. In conversations, I will say something and it is overlooked, someone else will say the EXACT SAME THING I just said, and it will get a reaction, whether a laugh or a continuation of the thought. I have noticed this a lot recently. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, or what is wrong with me that makes me just not exist. My opinion is never valued. It sucks and is very frustrating. There are times it would be nice to be included in the group conversation with everyone else at the table, not just ignored. A not so lovely example of my not-so-amazing invisibility powers is I stopped in at my other job to sign up for work. There was a dispatcher, a supervisor, and two drivers I walked past. Out of all those people, only ONE driver said hi. Shows what a friendly company I work for, but I feel like that so much of the time.

As well as invisible, I feel broken. I am so completely exhausted/sleepy/tired 99% of the time. I am only 29, that's not old by anyone but a kindergardener's standard, but I feel like I'm elderly. My parents are older than most parents of a kid my age, but they are super active. They unload a ton of wood pellets, take care of a horse everyday, can lift a hell of a lot more than I can, they can walk around all day and not be dead. I can't keep up with my mom, not even close. Most days I feel like crap. My boyfriend has been very encouraging in getting me to do more and hoping that as I do more I will feel better, but no change. I am trying so hard to be a more active person, but I just feel like I fail. Every day when I come home and it's "early" I feel guilty. I am wasting the day. Life is short, you never know what will happen, but yet all I feel like I can do is come home and sit on the couch and watch TV. I am too set in my ways that lunch is at noon, dinner is at 6-7pm, then after dinner is TV and then bed time....God forbid anything changes those times. It sucks. If he wants to go out on the motorcycle after work or just do basically anything but sit on the couch all afternoon/evening, why can't we? Once in a while, or on bad weather afternoons is one thing, but I am technically young, I should be out living life with him. I hate that I hold him back because he is so sweet and tries to make me happy so he'll stay in, but all I do is spend that time I know he wants to be doing something else being upset that I once again failed. It's not fair and I have no idea how to change it!?

I should be the happiest girl in the world right now, I have a perfect boyfriend who really does make me happy when I'm not feeling guilty that we are spending all our quality time doing nothing every day.  I am getting the job I have been wanting. I live in a perfect little house.

I just don't know what to do and how to fix me.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Home. At last.

Lots of changes have happened since my last post. I am officially divorced. I am now sort of a homeowner. I am truly happy for the first time in a long time.

The biggest change is that I am now home! My boyfriend purchased a beautiful mobile home that we are able to call ours. We haven't even been here a week and it already feels like home. It's been a while since I felt truly home, for some reason the apartment wasn't ever home to me, nothing negative against my ex, he did everything to make it home, it just never was quite right for me. But this house, this adorable little house, is just right. Its perfect for the 2 of us and the 2 cats.

It's amazing how much stuff I had accumulated in the past couple years. My goal was to really cut down what I own. I have learned that the simple life with less "Stuff" is a much better way to live. In the process of packing, I made a large donation of clothes and craft stuff to Goodwill, as well as being able to sell a few things for some spending money. I still had too much stuff which I will continue to pare down as time goes on, but it is a huge improvement from what was.

The house is a 1993 single wide 14' x 70' two bedroom, two bathroom. My cats are loving the 70' worth of runway. They absolutely love charging around full speed from one end to the other end; unfortunately it is usually in the middle of the night and neither one of them is light on their feet!

One of my favorite aspects is having my own washer and dryer! What a change in my attitude towards laundry! Even though they are outdated machines, it is nice to just throw a load in while I do other things, and it washes much faster than the commercial machines!

Another wonderful aspect of this house is the pre-made gardening beds the previous owner had. I can't wait to get some plants and start making the outside look more attractive and colorful.  This park is not the stereotypical park though, I can't believe how nice it is. It's quiet, almost like a 55+ community, clean, well maintained, and so far the people seem nice. I look forward to us making this place even more ours.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Fitting in...

Ever since I was a kid, I have never felt like I fit in with any particular group of people. Growing up I had a few friends and all, and as I got older, I had fewer and fewer to the point where I don't really have any. Facebook tells me I have 101, but with the exception of a very select few, they are mostly just acquaintances. Only a handful of those do I interact with online on a regular basis. I never go out with any friends... Some of that is just me as I don't drink, I don't like being out at night, and I'm just plain cheap; but the other part is that I don't know anyone to go out with as just a friend.

I am really struggling to fit in at work. I'm not looking to make lasting friendships at work, I just want to go, do my job, and leave. In the past I have gotten caught up in the drama and I do not ever want to do that again. However, it would be nice to feel like I belong, that I am at least liked. At my school bus job, I am not even really an employee, I am a temp. I am not one of the drivers; I want to be, so badly, but I am not. I get asked to leave the driver's meeting as I don't actually count and "outsiders" aren't allowed. That hurt. I am right there driving the bus many days out of the week, but yet I am not included as a driver so I don't get to know about what is going on. Damn unions.

I have never fit in at my city bus job, I felt like that ever since I started there. I am not sure why. I mean people are generally nice to me and all, but still. I only ever really got along with the night mechanic.

I am not sure what is wrong with me that makes me so unlikeable to the general population of places I work. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I really wonder what I could do to improve my social interactions. I am not sure how I come off to other people, but obviously unless you only know me for a few minutes, it's not a very positive way. :-\

Sunday, January 12, 2014

For the first time

I have never been one of those girls who has thought highly of herself. I have always struggled with my self esteem, well lack thereof. But suddenly, for the first time in my life I actually feel smart and attractive. Odd, as I'm going through a separation, my work schedule is non existent, his family and friends hate me due to their butting into a situation they don't understand...but I suddenly have confidence. It's a very weird feeling.

Speaking of weird feelings, I also have found some happiness, so much happiness that my face was actually hurting from smiling so much! (Before those of you who know my situation go off the deep end, you don't know the whole thing and what arrangements/agreements have been worked out, I am not doing anything in "secret" or that is not allowed!) Things are going in a good direction where happiness could be a very real possibility :-) it's been a very long time since I have felt such joy.

My Rainbow Looming is going well, I was contacted by a publisher who was interested  in my design. So far they really like one of my designs and have contacted me to make 2 more! It's pretty exciting, plus it gives me something to do as  I don't have much for real work. Best part is they pay me for the designs!!

I learned an important new skill today, how to use a sight on a gun! So it was a silly electronic gun for a game, but the concept is the same. For the first time ever I got a perfect score in a shooting game! Maybe one of these days I will learn to shoot the real thing!

So yeah, all of these positive things, are really helping me to stay happy and positive through what could be a very difficult time. I'm just hoping the work life will follow suite!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Hindsight is 20/20

Some of you may have figured out that I am having some marriage trouble. I don't know if trouble is the word, as we aren't fighting, or not getting's complicated, but basically comes down to my lack of romantic feelings. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to me. It's just not fair. I always thought marriage was supposed to be forever, till death do you part. Not this time unfortunately. Back when we got married, I had doubts, and wish I had listened to them rather than hurting him. We are better off as just friends. Right now we are living as roommates. It's working ok for the most part. I am so thankful that he is probably one of the nicest guys I know, where as I should be living in my car during this polar vortex for being such a terrible wife, he is still kind to me. I don't deserve it, but he deserves so much better. I hope he can find someone who will treat him with the same love and respect and kindness that he possesses. Any girl would be very lucky to have him as a husband.

So yeah, that kinda sucks, but needs to be done as my goal this year is to find happiness. As I have been, I am continuing to work to get myself in a better financial position. I have FINALLY seriously cut back on impulsive spending to almost nothing. You have no idea what a huge step that is for me. Money no longer burns a hole in my pocket, and I think about my purchases, often carrying them around the store until I convince myself that I do not need it. I guess the impending separation helps as I don't want to have any more stuff to move when the time comes! Bad reason, but hey, it gets the job done and breaks the habit.

I thought I had enough to deal with with this whole situation. But no, things pile on. I knew there was a new pick at work (drivers choose the schedules they want based on pre determined schedules set by management). New picks are always stressful. Things get swapped around. But this time it seems they are trying to force out the part timers. I am in the middle of the seniority for part time, I've only been there for 2 years. There are only a few open shifts left for part timers. It sucks as the more senior drivers will get those. I am still just a temp employee at the school bus company, so I have no guarantee of work. Of course, they email and as me to come in to direct traffic. Those of you from my past job know just how much I love working the corner and wearing a fluorescent yellow vest....but I have to say yes, and do the work with a smile because I really really really want to get full time there and want to prove I am an excellent employee that is flexible.
Brrrrrrr, the Polar Vortex is here

I'm so desperate to get my finances in order, I have even applied to another school bus company in hopes they can hire me on a temporary basis. I'm not sure it will work out as it's in another state plus I already technically have 2 jobs, but I figure it's worth a shot.

Speaking of finding happiness....I am lucky though, just as things were falling apart a friend of mine became closer. He keeps me laughing and smiling and takes my mind off of everything else. I can talk to him about anything and everything. It's a nice bright part of my day. I am hoping that things will work out. (Just for the record, this friendship has nothing at all to do with the decline of the marriage, that was happening before this friendship progressed!)

I need to just be patient and not rush into any major decisions. I need to just take each day as it comes and let things fall into place as they were meant to be. It's so much easier to sit here and type that than it is to actually follow it in real life, but I have to try! I really hope to find happiness this year and get on living my life as a better, happier person.